Draw back the curtain
You're our 8'o'clock show
We're all gathered to watch
So many stories below
As your palm
I could catch you
Instead you mock me in rhythm
Featured in -- Kaikan Phrase Volume 2.
It's so basic, but it makes me smile. I thought I'd share.
okay guys. we need submissions for the "arts and lit" page in the yearbook. poetry, short prose, english, french, spanish. whatever. just e-mail your stuff to firstname.lastname@example.org. and tell other people to do that too.
You don't see me,
But you do, you do
as you look right through
through and through the obvious
See I admit, I love the hope
I love the chance, yet wanting more as ever will
I wish I knew, today or tommorow
So I guess, well I know
It's a little hard not to be dissapointed
yet you always surprise the let-down
you always manage to keep me here
But when I see into you,
as you look right through
I see your obvious as you miss mine
So maybe the perfection,
that which found and lacking
nay, I doubt the hope I have
As always, as ever
I sit here expecting a bit too much from the wounded
so I stare into the eyes of an angel,
the eyes of her tragedy
Losing myself in something more than life
Something less than this
But let what dreams may come
For happiness knows no end
when stars and storms collide.
The only question to ask
Is when the woken fall back to sleep
And leave me here, leave me be
You see me....you don't
You see me.........you don't
you don't see me at all...
Why does it seem that
I lose my sight to the obvious
I lose my sight to the blind
If only I knew,
If only I see what i do
Maybe Id stop and start
winning hope behind blue eyes
And when I know you don't
When I know you look right through
You see me...you do.
You see me, all new
And I don't think I ever will,
When I throw you my obvious
While I miss yours, I know and I won't
Find out how much you see me at all.
So this is how it is
To wake up disoriented
staring at an unfamiliar ceiling
"Gulliable" staring back.
I guess that's about all
I needed to see
To know the trouble I was in.
To Write Love On Her Arms --
Don't let your screams go unheard.
Don't let your pain override you.
Don't let yourself drown.
Don't be another statistic, another face in the crowd.
Don't give in, it's never too late.
Make yourself heard.
I had a rather restless night last night. I slept but my dreams felt too real, causing me to wake up several times, even though it didn't feel like 'waking up' since I didn't feel as though I was asleep to begin with.
Anyway, I just wanted to record the segments that I remember.
I found myself at school, in the annex with Morris and a little child from my German school named Patrick.(He's my favourite, can you tell?) We were standing under the broken clock by the office, only instead of windows there, there was a wall and the clock wasn't broken. Thibault was standing in the middle of the annex and she was lecturing a bunch of teenagers who were all randomly standing there, just starring off into the distance. Then like a bunch of zombies, everyone began to walk slowly towards the two front doors of the school, save for the three of us and our ex-principal. Thibault began to complain but she turned and I noticed four cop cars parked at the edge of the drive-in area but there were no cops. Thibault said something along the lines of, "Oh. Had I known there were cops cars..."
I don't really know what happened next but a swarm of students began rushing into the annex from the gym hallway and the H-room and try to escape through the entrance, screaming something about a boy being injured. Next thing I know, four members from Rammstein appear where I am standing with Morris and Patrick, wearing heavy black trench coats. They crotch down in front of us and three of them begin to smoke cigarettes while the lead singer sniffs lines of cocaine off the floor. Morris bursts out laughing, finding it amusing and Patrick grabs a cigarette and takes a long drag, which horrifies me but I don't do anything about it. I just watch. The lead singer then moves to the annex and begins to preach the students that remain.
The next part freaks me out a bit. The entrance of the school is empty, except for a girl who resembled Alison, an unknown blond man and myself. Right near the clock where there's glass windows there was a wall, as I said. On that wall a mural appeared, which had a gothic feel to it with screaming skulls. The girl was standing there, completely caught up in the mural with her camera in hand. The blond man, who until then had been waiting my the doors, approached her and kept telling her to take a picture of the mural, his tone of voice becoming more and more agressive when she fails to notice him. It was as though she was hypnotized by the wall. The man grabs her 'lower back' which she doesn't seem to notice, however she finally raises her camera and begins to take pictures. Having witnessed this scene, I march over to the blonde guy and tell him to back off and LEAVE (not feel, leave opps) her alone and the man moves away to continue watching her from the door.
Then there's a blackout in the school and no one seems to notice. The only light is coming from the art hallway, which is cluttered with a bunch of cardboard boxes and cabinets. An elderly man grabs my arm and leads me to the art hallway and out the doors. It's now nighttime and it's snowing. We fly over tall apartment buildings and watch people go about their lives, at the same time hoping that they do not see us, for if they do we're in trouble. We keep flying until the people start turning into dolls and I feel myself getting smaller. I 'stick' to a building and look through a window but no one sees me, although they clearly should. It's hard to explain but then the sky seems to bigger in proportion to us so we reach the ground and settle in the snow and all I can think is, "I need to save them but I don't know how..."
And then I woke up, only to fall back asleep again.
Edit: I know this looks like a journal post accidentally put on other devices, but Its not..so read up.
Month from hell. Day from hell. And the wierd thing is that its become normal for me.
When did this happen? How the hell...? Why me...why, what..how? Drugs, sex, alchohol, suicide(i fucking hate you you bastard)...when did this become so much a part of my life? Im still a virgin, ive never been high, never had a hangover(a real one) and well..yeah, scratch comments on the last one. But i just..i dont get it. Im surrounded by these things. Every single day. I think to myself...why am i being so emo..why do I feel like shit? There's no reasn for it. Im just being melodraatic. Wait. I just stopped a suicide.
It used to be: "this isnt fair"
Then it got to: "this is not right"
Then: "this hurts too much"
Next: "god its killing me"
Finally(or so youd think): "im fucking dead"
and then..: "i really am dead" (and you know it)
and then: "i live because i have to"
and THEN: "i've lost my mind" (and you actually feel shitty about it, realize its happening)
but wait, theres more! : "i dont care about anything including life" (and you really believe it)
anddd then the ultimate down: "nothing matters."
Yes, this seems like the end of the list. but as i discovered, sometimes the craziness comes back a bit. just a bit.
Jenny; thanks for walking with me, im so sorry you got to see me like that. i really did lose my mind.
And then the fun break in history. Because i couldnt care. But I did. And it came back. And it hurt. And shanie...i owe you so much.
And then Anne and the smile and heading home happy.
And then my Starr(edit: its been 2 days but I miss you like hell), and then our kiss, and then my happiness.
And then..well, shit happens.
Some things are hidden from everyone, some things arent talked about. Some you just dont realize, others youd never expect. Its sad, how much as happened. About how we feel. About life, about love, about pain and death. Seventeen years old, and theres nothing left I want to do because ive done it all. I miss being young and innocent, not having to do this. But I chose this life as it chose me and there's no getting out now. It's funny how open ive become. No one would ever have heard this, no one would ever have seen. And I really, im left without thoughts this time... There's just, a point you get pushed past..where no matter how strong you are, you fall. And you change. lol, its not about self-pity, its not about being down or up. I write this to explain how I feel, so I can understand whats going on in my head. So you guys never have to do this. I hope, I really do hope you never have to go through some of the stuff ive been through. I dont think ill ever be able to explain without showing, and showing is impossible and I would never do it. I just...everytime it was supposed to be over, everytime i thought i could feel good again...no, it just wouldnt. And i know its gonna be hard, the next while...i wont trick myself into believing life is fair and that sometimes theres a happy ending. But shes alive, im alive, and god olivier, you better fucking well be alive too.
Kids, you gotta listen to me now. Listen closely, cause ill only say this once. Life is worth living. I know its hard, i know its tough, but you have to see whats in front of you and not whats leaving you behind. I used to love the word life, I used to cherish it and hold it close. My ideals, my beliefs, my very identity..it was all about living. Because its the one thing that really matters. But it stopped mattering, I stopped caring. I almost left. Too many times. And that there, its not..its not right. Seventeen. Seventeen and you're thinking about death. I lost something that I know is going to take me a long time to get back. And it was the one real thing that keeps you running. School, sports, relationships, friends, dreams, careers...they are all nothing without want for life. For a chance. And we all have that chance. Sometimes I know we're too young for this. We shouldn't be feeling this way. And maybe there are only a few people out there like me...but I have to try. Im not the only one who can throw on the mask at school and laugh and smile and pretend everythings okay.
I guess this isnt poetry, I know this is more a journal entry than anything. But ive stopped caring about what people think of me or how they see me, because sometimes its more important for the people around to realize whats happening. What could be happening. We all have friends, lovers, family members who we care about. But sometimes you don't know whats happening, or if we do..we plead ignorance and figure if they wanted help, theyd only ask for it. ..its just, its not that easy. When you realize you're bipolar at the age of 15 and you're the only one around you who feels like shit 24/7, its hard to speak out. Its hard to raise a voice and ask for help. More times than anything, everyone just misses the silent screams. Because we hide it. And then you meet other people the same, you meet other people who are depressed. And you spend the past 4 years of your life giving everything you have to make them feel better. You watched your friends jump in front of busses, and you blame it on the cocaine he took. You watch a girl for go anna and cut herself every day. You watch peope get bulemic, you watch drunks, you watch prostitutes, you watch people whove lost everything and bit by bit theyre trying to get it back. And you wont back down, you wont stand by and watch. You know what its like, and you cant sit by and let them feel like shit. But it starts to take the life out of you, until you end up exactly like them; exactly as depressed. And you know you cant do this alone. You cant help the world by yourself. And now...just as they needed you, you need someone too.
I guess what im trying to say is that you have to realize what you have. You only have this once. Don't ever give up on it, don't ever let people give up on you. I never figured I would throw my life up on a pedestal for everyone to see. I was always too shy for that. But if seeing my life allows everyonce else the chance to stop and save anothers, I do it willingly. Im not doing this for attention, Im not doing this so people can point and think "hey its that kid who posted all this depressing stuff on lj". Im doing this because no one ever sees it. We all hear about it, we all get the presentations. But it never hits home, its never close enough. So heres the wake up call I guess. Dont give everything away because you're down. And dont take chances if you think someone feels that way either. Friend or stranger, even the smallest things can help.
in case you're all panicking thinking this is me saying goodbye forever kinda thing...no, god no not at all. its 3am and ill probably be half dead tommorow morning, but im gonna wake up and pump some tea into me...throw on the same smile as always. With one change. Itll be a real smile this time 'round.
I told someone the other day that the problem in our world is that no one talks, no one speaks out. If youhurt, dont stay quiet, dont lock yourself away...talk to a friend, talk to a stranger. If anyone saw Annes post, you'll know what Im talking about. "Since when did being human stop being a good thing?" We're all people, we all live. Sometimes when you watch the traffic go by when you're on the bus, think about what it means. Imagine your life, your memories, your feelings. Now expand that 6 and a half billion times. Thats a lonely world. But it doesnt have to be. Maybe you'll read this and forget it the next day, but I hope you took something from what im saying.
No one thinks they can make a difference, so no one tries. Its "wierd" to actually comfort a stranger you see crying. So dont walk by, dont turn a blind eye. Because one day that could be you, and when you're all alone...even a simple hug can make life worth living.
To all my friends: Thanks guys, you really helped me more than you think. I owe you one(or two or three or four...).
Crossroads with no crosswalks for safety
No signs nor similarities
Nothing constant but change
As the water colour of the world
Swirls in the painting of my eyes
Left but not looking behind
Ditch all conservatism
Follow my own road
Calloused for a different reason
An obvious heart not previous or next
A new life, a new start
Hard to reach but close at hand
A trick of the mind to heal the soul
Yet wanting into waiting arms it seems
Even the gamble is taking a chance
Because when life has no meaning
Forever a death to conquer
Right for all the wrong reasons
Bitter for all your sweet
A different mind
After the other hurt
Heaven and hell on all shoulders
Contradictions so steady
Assuming all stays the same
Needing your pain is somehow my
Yet waiting for wanting arms it seems
Even and ever statue-like I stand
Because when life has no meaning
Forever a death to conquer
Forward into the future with apparently no end
But infinite lines always begin
So soon I choose, sooner the light
They say..they sing..
Two people too damaged too much too late
But we had our day all tears today
Walking with heads held high
Thoughts diverged into Q no A
And what am I to do?
Trapped and surrounded
We all surrender to our fates
Yet wanting nor waiting it seems
Sometimes back is the only way to go
It's only a shame wishes won't be wished for
But what happened to want
When everything becomes a must?
And no back
Open arms and open heart
Is the only way to go
So my dear Lord
Pray with me so.
If I were to say, "Love, I've lost my way", would you think me mad? For it seems that like a child immortal I fail to grow. I would rather choose to perish in the nightfall than to withstand life's blade.
Call me craven, for you'd not be far from the truth. If you were to ask me for a war, I would not have the strength to bring one of much value. If you were to ask for a lie, I would not have the skill to paint you (or myself) a picture of sunshine and roses.
I submerge myself in a warm bath, which like a mother's womb will serve as my castle and shall protect me from the outside world, until one day the soap suds make armour of my skin and I am ready to lay in the bed of nails that I have made for myself.